Stupidity of Science
by strider-mystic
Summary: Kind of based on a science lesson i actually had once,first thing i've actually written for this site, so is probably terrible, and everyone is most likely OOC. T because of a bit of swearing. please rr!
1. A lesson in Food Chains

_Disclaimer: _ _I do not own South Park or any of it characters, because if I did, I would be very rich, and I'm not…shame_

_place something here _writers thoughts

'place something here' speech

**A lesson in Food Chains**

**First half of the lesson:**

Stan Marsh had been having a terrible day, he had woken up in a terrible mood, only to realise that he'd was going to be late for the bus. Getting ready as quickly as possible, and then running to the bus stop, only once tipping and falling flat on his face. Next Cartman had found a million and one reasons to rip on him and it had taken all of his self-restraint not to beat the crap out of him, and also in every lesson he had found it extremely hard to concentrate and was by now completely confused and had gotten everything wrong.

And now, to top it all he was sitting in a double lesson of Biology wondering way the fuck he needed to know about plants and food chains. As far as he knew (which wasn't really very far that day, he could have been for all he knew) he wasn't a plant, and he wasn't rooted to the floor, so why on earth did he need to know about them? He definitely wasn't going to get a study plants when he was older, the stupidity of his biology lessons had seen to that.

'For the first part of the lesson we shall be doing work sheets, and for the second we shall be studying woodlice.' The teacher was saying (most likely to herself as no-one appeared to be paying any attention). Stan wasn't really listening, instead taking much more interest in talking to his friends. While they were discussing the topic of what they were doing over the holidays, the teacher went around hanging out sheets.

'Before you do these sheets I want everyone to copy down the notes off the board, filling in the gaps and answering the questions where possible.'

The whole class groaned because of the fact that the teacher was useless, the gaps could never be filled, and the questions they were seemed to be either far to easy, or about things they hadn't been taught yet. Stan stared blankly at the first question, having no idea what the equation for how animals make energy. Finally giving up he copied Kyle's, and then continued with that plan of action of the rest of the spaces from the notes on the broad. Next he started the first sheet, Bebe, who was sitting across the table from him (big science table…well three next to one stuck to the floor, as there is a sink in it. Stan is sitting on and longest one facing the front on the class, in between Kyle and Cartman, with Bebe and Wendy parallel from Kenny and Craig, the desks are in a kind of square _Just encase anyone was confused about the layout of the table, actually I doubt anyone really cares, I'll just shut up now_) already had her hand in the air to ask the answer.

'Yes Bebe? What's wrong?'

'I don't know what the answer to the first question is.' As Stan had no idea either he was listening in, as, for some strange reason, was Cartman. The teacher looked around at the other people on the table.

'Kyle, which uses more energy: a warm-blooded animal, or a cold-blooded one?' Kyle was only asked because of the fact that he had been staring out into space, and the teacher was hoping to catch him out.

'A warm-blooded animal miss, as a cold-blooded animal adapts to the temperature around it, whereas a warm-blooded animal needs to keep it consistent.'

'Every good Kyle, that correct.' With that the she walked off, most likely to make sure every one else in the class was working. Stan answered it the second question with ease, and then got a little confused with the third. For some reason, completely unknown to him, he decided to ask Cartman for a bit of help.

'Hey Cartman, what's higher up the food chain, a tiger or grass?'_ this is not as dumb a question as it seems, one of my friends actually asked this, and the person on the other side of her and myself spent the rest of the lesson laughing, this whole fic is based on that really_ Cartman just stared at him for a moment, then burst out laughing, getting the attention of Kyle.

'What's so funny?' Cartman went to reply, but found that Stan had clamped his hand over his mouth. Grabbing his wrist and yanking it away from him, Cartman replied:

'Stan just asked him whether a tiger was higher in the food chain or not!' Both Kyle and Cartman started to laugh at Stan.

'Shut up! I'm tired! It's not my fault!' This just got them laughing even harder. After a minute or two Kyle found himself around.

'It's all right Stan, we've all heard about what happen to that poor tiger, right fat-arse?'

'Oh yeah, the grass tore the poor thing to shreds. Terrible, just terrible.' Stan followed this by hitting Cartman in the arm, and for once he didn't start to complain, but only laugh harder.

'You can't trust anything this days, having to concrete anything so the grass doesn't get you!' Kyle continued, getting a hit from Stan.

'Oh yes, but then you have the problem of when the grass starts to eat its way though.' This awarded him another hit, but Kyle and himself were laughing to hard to care at this point, even Stan was finding it a little funny.

'Of course, and then you have the problem of when you're trying to walk over it, the grass catches your ankle and rips you to shreds! Although the grass isn't always quick about it, it really does depend on the grass.' Even Stan was laughing now, although he was still hitting them after everything they said.

'Killer grass then?'

'Definitely, have you not been reading the reports Stan?'

'Yeah hippy, I thought that would have been something you would read, the reports about the awful attacks of grass.'

'How long do you two plan on being mean to me?'

'Until we can't think of anymore things to what fun of about this, isn't that right Jew?'

'One, don't called me Jew tit-wank, and two, yep, we will.' All three of them were laughing by this point, making Kenny look over.

'What's so funny?' Kenny said his voice muffled by his hodie.

'Killer grass!' The three yelled in union.

'Alright, time to take up the answers to the questions!' the teacher yelled interrupted their fun.

'Bitch' Cartman muttered.

…

Several minutes later;

'Does anyone know why there are less numbers of predators the higher up in the food chain?' The teacher asked a few people but they got it wrong.

'Because the grass ate them.' Muttered Cartman to Stan. He looked at Cartman quickly then put his hand up.

'Yes Stan?' As Stan started to answer there was a sudden rise of noise in the classroom, drowning out what he had to say. 'Class, quiet down, I want to know what Stan was about to say!'

'I doubt it.' muttered Stan smiling. Once the class was quiet Stan spoke, 'the grass ate them miss.'

'No, the grass did not eat them, yes Helena?'


	2. Suidice Woodlice

_Disclaimer: _ _I do not own South Park or any of it characters, because if I did, I would be very rich, and I'm not…shame_

_**Place something here** _writers thoughts

'Place something here' speech

**Suicide Woodlice**

**The second half of the lesson**

By the time everyone had finished their worksheets, and some had already started their homework, (Kyle and Wendy, _**who else?**),_ the bell rang. Now it was time to start the experiment with woodlice. This involved getting some woodlice out of the box that the teacher had brought in, and taking them back to their desks to put them in this circular, see-though thing, which is separated into four by some bits that come up, but the woodlice can still walk into the next segment, the thingy _**it shall from here on be referred to as 'thingy' for the rest of this fic** _also has a lid so the cannot get out. In one bit wet cotton wool is placed in, some black paper in another, and also some white paper, and last some stuff **I don't remember the name of the stuff, sorry!** That is poisonous to woodlice if it gets wet and it kills them. Of course when the teacher was telling the class about this, very few people were listening.

'Right…Stan you can go get the thingy, and then sort out the sections, and fat-arse, you can go run round the school until you're as thin as the rest of us, okay?' said Kyle.

'Ay! I am not fat! You God damn Jew!' yelled Cartman, but Kyle had already walked off. In a huff, Cartman stormed off.

Stan went and got the stuff needed, and then placed it in the thingy, the black paper next to the white paper and the poisonous stuff, and the wet cotton wool next to the poisonous stuff and the white paper. Then sat back to wait, watching Kenny sort out his thingy (slightly different from him). Soon Craig came back with their first woodlice.

'It needs a name.' Stated Kenny.

'Really? Don't you think that's a bit…faggy?' replied Craig.

'No, how about Merlin?'

'Fine, whatever, I'll go and get some more.' With that Craig walked off to try and get back to the box.

'This is a bit boring isn't it Stan?'

'Yep.'

'I think I'm going to add some more texture to the wet bit with the dry stuff _**the stuff that is poisonous when wet, but he wasn't listening now was he**.'_

'Okay cool.' As Kenny was doing that Kyle came back and dropped about ten into their thingy, and Stan put the lid on.

'Kenny, what are you doing?' Enquired Kyle. 'Weren't you listening? You're going to kill your woodlice if you do that.'

'What! Oh no!' With that Kenny starts to remove the wet cotton from the thingy. 'it's all right my little Merlin, you're alright now…I went hurt you….'

'He's lost it.'

'Stan, how can he have lost something he never had?'

'Good point.'

'Are you not going to name yours?' Chimed in Kenny. Exchanging a glance they shrugged their shoulders.

'Sure.' They said together. They named about three of the ten. The first was a reddy one they called Sassy, next was a big fat one the looked like it was fucking one of the others that got named Fuckems, and the last one, which seemed to be dying was called Tommy the soon to be decreased.

'Oh My God! Are you saying that this stuff can kill them!' some random girl was yelling. 'I'm not doing this any more!'

Of course, when the woodlice started to walk from the wet bit, to the bit with the chemical, they moved stuff off the water with them. While this was happening, Cartman came back from his sulking.

'You've come back lard-butt, but you're still has fat as ever I see.' Kyle said upon seeing him.

'Ay! Don't call me fat, Jew!'

'But that's what you are, fat.' Stan added in, with a round of agreement sounding from the rest of the table.

'You know what, screw you guys, I'm goin' home!' and with that he walked out of the class, no-one bothered to follow him or try to get him to come back for the two reasons, one they didn't like him, and too, it wouldn't do any good.

'Thank God he's gone.'

'I agree, but Stan, are you aware that our woodlice are suicidal?'

'What are you on about Kyle?'

'Well, just that when they walk from the wet bit to the dry bit they are taking water with them, and that it could kill them if they do that.'

'Shit. Well we have to stop them.' So they took off the top and started to move all of the woodlice out of the section and then take out the chemical. Shortly after doing that, it was time to pack up. The woodlice were put into Kyle's cupped hands, and he took them back to the box, while Stan put back the thingy.

'Kyle…?'

'Yes?'

'Do you think that chemical might be poisonous to humans too?'

'It might be, that's why I just washed my hands.'

With that the bell for the end of the lesson went, and Kyle left to go get the bus, leaving Stan scrubbing his hands in the sink. And in the box, Tommy the soon to be decreased, became Tommy the decreased, but no one cared because they were all to anxious to get home to think about that little woodlice.

_Sorry if this isn't funny at all…_

_Please review…I may add more…if I do the next chapter will be called 'Biosphere'._

_Please, please, please review!_

_May be continued…_


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